| Many of the phone calls I receive as a Pastoral Ministry Specialist sound like this, “I have just discovered we are in a conflict in our church, what should I do?”
Your first responses to a conflict are important and you need to keep in mind the following first steps:
1. Don’t panic
If you do, you will make things worse. Take a deep breath and follow the steps outlined in the rest of this article.
2. Don’t deny that there is a conflict
If you do, you may wait too long to seeking a resolution to the issues involved. The longer a conflict goes unresolved; the more possibilities for long term damage in the church. As the leader in your church, you need to take the lead in redemptively confronting the conflict sooner rather than later.
3. Do pray for guidance
This step comes too late in the process for many conflict situations. Start with a prayer for God’s wisdom, insight, and guidance. Lead your leadership to pray the same way. You will do better to save the talking until God guides you because you have an openness to Him.
4. Do apply Holy Scripture
The Bible contains numerous stories of conflict and conflict resolution. It also contains key principles to guide us as we seek a "grace-based" answer to differences. I would encourage you to let the Bible inform your reason.
| Scriptures: |
Examples of Conflict in the Bible: |
- Matthew 5-7
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Matthew 18:15-35
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John 13:34-35
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Romans 12:9-21
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1 Corinthians 13
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Galatians 5:13-26
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Ephesians 4:17-32
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Philippians 2:1-18
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Colossians 3
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James 4:1-12
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1 John 3:16-5:5
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Old Testament
- Contention in a family: Cain and Able
- Focus on self: Jacob and Esau
- The power of desire: David and Uriah
- The seduction of power: Saul and David
New Testament
- Self-interests vs. servanthood among the disciples: Mark 10:35-45
- Religious traditionalism versus Christ: John 8: 1-11
- Diversity in membership-prejudice: Acts 6:1-7
- Dispute in Antioch over circumcision: Acts 15
- Divisions in the church: 1 Cor. 1:10-17
- Personal and spiritual immaturity: 1 Cor. 3: 1-16
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5. Do manage the conflict properly
Not all conflict is the same so do not approach all conflict the same way. A difference over whether to spend $50.00 and one over whether to spend $500.00 contain different dynamics.
The following are simple questions to ask regarding the conflict:
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Are we encountering differences of opinion over resolution of an issue or problem?
Differences of opinion happen and are not bad. If you treat them as bad, then the conflict will escalate.
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Are you dealing with an underlying unresolved conflict?
If you answer “yes” to this, you need to start looking for the background causes of the conflict and seek to resolve that first.
6. Do act like a Christian
Let your Christian values always drive your motives, words, and actions as regards conflict. Some of the most un-christian things I have ever heard said were said during heated exchanges in business meetings.
7. Do trust God
Often people in conflict overlook this point. Once we have prayed, discovered God’s guidance through the Bible, and sought to follow a reasonable path to conflict resolution, we need to patiently let God lead us through the process.
Help is available:
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5 Tips For New Minister's Wives
- Be Yourself - All the Time.
- The temptation to play the role of the always-happy minister's wife can be overwhelming at times. Be happy, but also be real! God has gifted you with unique talents and personality traits that He doesn't want absorbed into a role you think you have to play. When you feel pressure to be or do something that's just not you, remember that your calling is to be who God created you to be.
- Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
- Almost as important as knowing and being yourself is clearly communicating with your husband and family (a standard for any marriage). You'll have unique needs that your husband may not pick up on. Talk to him about how you feel, what your desires are in helping him to lead, and what your needs are as his helper. Let him know you need his support as much as he needs yours.
- If you have children, your relationship will set an example of unity and will also be a reassurance you want the best for the entire family. Talk to them about pressures and needs they're facing as well.
- Know Your Priorities.
- The ministry is your husband's job, and you're his helper. As I see it, our jobs are more to be wives and mothers than the default VBS director, church cook, or even pianist. My top priority has been to make my home a haven – family first, and then church. Set boundaries and focus on your first calling, which will allow you to follow God's leadership in church involvement.
- Build Relationships with Church Leaders.
- Enjoy your time and relationships with staff members, lay leaders and their families. Get together with other ministers' wives on a regular basis, and find ways to support other ministries with your gifts. For example, if you have a women's ministry leader in your church, you as a minister's wife have something unique to contribute, and you may ask her how you might get involved in an advisory role or in another way.
- Develop a Solid Support Network.
- Any minister's wife can tell you the importance of having a balance of friends inside and outside of church. God blessed me and my husband with a circle of friends who just let us be David and Cindy instead of "the pastor and his wife." Here are two ways God has led me to build some new relationships:
- Join (or start!) a ministers' wives network in your area, and consider seeking a mentor who is a minister's wife. While church relationships are obviously precious, there's something to be said for friendships outside your church setting. You might even contact your local Baptist association (or other organization) to see if there is a network or mentoring program already in place specifically for ministers' wives in your area.
- Another way to develop outside friendships is to plug into your community. Even though it hasn't yielded deep, long-lasting friendships (yet), one thing I've been doing for the past few years is simply cooking part-time at a local deli! I get a real kick out of it because I meet so many people and enjoy the interaction aside from the traditional church setting. It keeps me in touch with the "real world." Get out there and try something new in your neighborhood!
- By identifying and preparing for your unique role and needs as a minister's wife, you'll be better prepared to support your husband, your family, and your church in ministry.
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"A PRIMER FOR PASTORS"
Austin B. Tucker, (Th.D., Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary)
has more than thirty years of pastoral experience and has taught at
three Southern Baptist Seminaries as well as at Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary
and is a member of the Evangelical Homiletical Society.
Austin B. Tucker
10199 Trialridge Drive
Shreveport, LA 71106
(318) 798-0048
Fax (318) 797-0470
Abtucker77@aol.com
"Michael, an Eyewitness" is a one man drama depicting an eyewitness account
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Michael has been all over the world with this drama for over 21 years. He comes on a love offering basis.
Loves to minister to our "Smaller Churches" and will come to even the Smallest of Churches.
To book this "Great Drama", contact:
McCain Ministries
Michael McCain
Michael & Lynn McCain
P.O. Box 8588
Clinton, La. 70722
225-683-3978
www.mccainministries.com
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